note to you

one thing i've learned this year is to move on.

i earmark this year. fairly special. fairly depressing. losing friends. making new ones. three car accidents. i even tried a bit of origami; not my best talent. witnessed forty-five deaths. breast cancer. i miss those faces -wherever they may be.

the summer seemed like a conclave of emotions. A walked in to my life. B walked out. she wanted it. so badly. and i remember nights after nights over the telephone, we would wire our feelings. sometimes gleeful. sometimes distressing. we crafted a future. holding hands and sucking lips. but i walked away. on a cloudy night. a silent tuesday.

and then came R. bubbly and cheerful at first, fairly nonpareil. i will admit, my emotions strengthened. but i never let proximity become an excuse. we communicated. sometimes. and spoke about how wonderful it would be to run away in the distance. travel the skies. through a circuit of cultures, and rhythms and sketchy monuments. we thought we would grow. as responsible individuals. at the behest of time. we molded ourselves as dolls of innocence. but we broke apart. and i gave thanks. silently. thanksgiving was meaningful.

on the patio by the lake, i made a figurine. out of snow. of the delicate breasts. i remember C. i miss you dear.

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i love your high school monotone.

so much.

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and it rained this evening. like it would at home. aunty ann and i would sit outside in the porch and sip cups and cups of rain water with lemon drops. and talk about old memories that made us cry. and i remembered you in the middle of it all.

sometimes, i wish i had undone time. for all the times i had gotten angry, really angry, i wish i could throw out those words at you. little shards of emotions buried in the deck. i will play them one day. and you will never learn the trick. i promise you that.

but you made me a dream catcher out of a fairy man. and i realized those wings were elastic. very early. very very early. and out of my caution, i did not say anything. never will. you dissolve conviction in self-confusion. and it amuses me, really.

i wish success on your smile. send me a note when you stretch.

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and i would hold your hand, little pebbles, and tell you that i love you.

if you promised me. without sneering. and told me your song. and played the reeds for a million moments. across the halls and the walkways, where we walk through wonderment.

if i had a rainbow on my chin, i would art it on your face. for a time, when you forget sunshine.

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if you were real, i would hold on to you.

but i wept that one night, and gave you away.

on words. i could never imagine.

today is the day for recompense. we will smile, yes. emotionless.

but why would you lie to me, mister x?

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i don't remember you.

anymore.

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and i saw the storm. trickle by trickle.

and remembered when i sat by the lamp, combing my hair. and i smiled at my own reflection in the mirror. fleeting thoughts -once unrealistic, but real today.

but i still smile.

sometimes.

august fourteen

remember when your fingers froze. that one night?

oh i forget, it's you.

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i will call you the master of spices.

i found a piece of your nail today.

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you burning hypocrite.

i know your truth.

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i thought about you for a very long time today.

and i imagined a piece of glass. by the window, across the lane. and when the little kids bicycled along the power lines, they left a trail. incomplete and patchy.

but the story never ended. i am not sure how or where it began. and i bet i never will. such is the nature of our demonstration. your fury blazing on a canvas across the wall. and i leap over the windows, and the wall that you built.

if i could pull out an item from the box, i would pull out water. so that you would see your face. and your half-smiles.

open your door sometimes. there's a sparkle on your face.

summer song

and this is a summer song i wrote while you were away. a probable collage of confessions and thoughts. forgive me if it hurts. i promise, i mean every word i say.

i will not hesitate to say that your selfishness lines your smile. that your fingers curl up to grip a desire. unexpressed yet meant. and when i see you next, i will laugh within. you will never know who you are. and when i slip away into the shade, you will lose my trail. forever, with no return. and i will be honest, when i saw your tassels the other day, it made me laugh. it made me laugh not because of you, but because of me. because i learned my folly, after so many days.

and when i went back home that one time, i ran around the streets imagining you were here. what if you had fathered a vision that i had never known. and you lied to me. endlessly. for the sake of motion. for the sake of twining around the spiral. the spiral where your shadows fall into the pit.

but you don't realize that this world is a maze. a maze where you forget the ends. without escape. a maze where you smile. repeatedly. because that is the key to the nearby exit.

mister y, go away.

shore line

mister z, i licked the waves.

and i smelled the sand. scorching through my nose, that sweet smell of a rainless shore. and they say, the hurricane ate her flesh.

four years have passed.

and while i swam, i thought of you.

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i'd say, erase this doubt.

and look at your face on the half-formed waves.

you will find solidarity in the specks. i swear.