cambridge, ma

i kinda felt home-sick last night. and so i left the room early last night. and called up A. and spoke to him for a very very long time. and it felt so good. we laughed at many of our old jokes; ones that used to desperately crack me up in school. Especially, the crusade against It's and M. you know what i'm talking about right, A? ; )

managed to go to Harvard's campus today with B. it was simply great. i was looking at their commencement pictures last night and it made me cry so bad. i don't even know why. yes, i'm probably a wuss. but i think every time i think about the school, it makes me want to go there. more and more, everyday. anyway, it was a great trip. we saw john harvard's statue; the divinity school, some of the libraries, the peabody museum and some other stuff. the churches are awesome. old, really old.

other than that today, watched letters to juliet. it was kinda lame. also the chicago uno herbed chicken was disgusting.
oh i also realized that i am drinking too much coffee lately. time for some caffeine control. and yes, i strongly believe that decaf coffee is NOT legit! and no arguments there!

day 1

may 20th.

done with finals. yet it doesn't feel like school's over. it's weird, i know.
i'm looking forward to this summer a lot. all the surgery and all the other professional work i'm supposed to be doing. seems kinda professional - well i know it's professional. but it's still interesting. and exciting. and a little nerve-wracking.

this is something i decided recently. i want to work with depauw's dining services and make sure people eat healthier food. my goal is not to urge the ban of any food items or dishes per se, but we're going to try and get healthier ingredients! because all that asian delicacy of chow mein and golden chicken has waaay too much sodium per serving than is necessary for a day. also, we're going to try and cut down on things that have trans fats. that's definitely not something you'd want to have on a regular basis if you want to save your heart even five years down the line.
spoke to steve about all this. i'm going to try and work with the harvard sustainability this summer and adopt some of their initiatives. some of their policies are already being implemented on campus. like we do have cage-free eggs and 95% of our coffee is free trade.
this goes to say that my point is not to re-model our dining services "according" to harvard's. i looked at their sustainability initiative and it just looks very feasible and doable. so it's not trying to be like them, but just implementing a model that looks healthy and will benefit campus!

plans for today: probably watch a movie with B, and lounge around. spoke to P yesterday regarding writing a review paper for research. plan is to get it done and sent for review by the end of the summer. but as for today, it's going to be lazy. and i, for one, am thoroughly excited!

a note

and as you glittered in the sunshine. i swept my sweat. panting and heaving. as i carved the curves of your delicate lips. pulsatile wrists. and cold bosom.

but when i walked down through the bushes. i thought of you. and that wintry december evening. the forgiveness. fake. and treachery. dry.

i will await this thanksgiving.

elevator

he told me today. in the elevator. when it was just him and i. this is what he said.

when they told me graduation was a burden. i locked my door. and studied. for hours and hours and hours. and while they drank. i would sleep. dreaming about my future. intelligence is not my gift. determination is.

To NJM. thank you

financial district

so i walked down the street. up. down. up. down. several times. wall street. and not a single building was without the name. in golden paint. and that door to tiffany. full of smell and desire. and fifty seven strangers posing in front of washington. george, they called him. clever man, i say. and if you saw the statue. the girth of pomposity.

and then down the bifurcation. to the monument. where they say liberty resides. in green. i find that the paradox. for if this district of finance ever complained of raging ego. and aggression. point your fingers to that statuette in green. quite lovely with the flame. even greener.

and then back to fifth. at my little table at barnes and noble. two books on the wood. the harvard psychedelic club. i don't remember the other. people came and went. for six hours i sat. sipped on steaming tea. while water drizzled today in new york city. and the sun never shone. and the street of wall. cluttered with price-tagged tourists. with insufficient jingles. whatever happened to the empire?

and then came clarence. and drexel. and isabella. in a violent circuit. and they spoke of stocks. and trump. real estate. and i think, leather. this young man -clumsy to the skin -dropped two cups of espresso. on another woman by his side. sorry is not the solution.

M's birthday. i'm not there. things happen. happy day to her.

i've been looking for salons. the jets are playing. the colts. new york and indiana. i think i'm still a little undecided. came back. time for turkey sandwich.

the lake looks grumpy tonight

to pam

at the hospital. she greeted me. hey tom, you work hard dont you. not really. i say. i do my job. and i love it. she murmurs gently as she inhales. through this narrow pipe stuck to her nose. i love her cheeks. bright and rosy. she's almost fifty.

and i love her strength. next week. she gets her third lung transplant. after chronic rejection. and now kidneys. they apparently stopped working. i love her. and i wish i could do something. pam. i found tears on my eyes. after you wheeled into the elevator. with ben by your side.

i want to meet you before you leave. i want you to rub your smile. on me

king's monday

it was unusual today. martin luther king to the rescue. an empty corridor in seven hudson north. steve wasn't there either. i traipsed around a little bit. decided, library was a good option. read a few case studies. took the train down. right till juiliard.

and that spectacle is beautiful. the alabaster. the quartz. sparkling in the white of a crisp monday morning. in new york city. while the brokers fled in pursuit. the ends of their expensive coats knotting with the wind. scanned the breadth of the wide arches, and smiled. more of a grin. i cannot distinguish. but i kept walking. knowing many a genius was made.

and then my usual spot. fifth avenue. however, today was a detour through bryant park. sat on one of those moss green, deformed chairs across the colonnade of dead, heaving trees. at least a hundred noticeable strangers skated in the pond. good business, i say. in sweat. and ecstasy. and some frustration beneath the breaths. i love when people laugh. have you ever heard the different tones? pitches? plentiful.

afternoon at barnes and noble. three books at my table. the appointment, vascular surgery, men i might have known. three extreme genres. and by me, today, sat an interesting pair of marketeers. possibly one at readers digest. the other, morgan stanley folks. reading the same book. monkey business.

on the way back. this little street urchin. sitting at the corner of seventh avenue and w 34th. face hidden by a sweatshirt. screaming jesus. and the little plaque by his bowl. it said, everyone needs a shelter -you and i. and on the wall near city college -someone sprayed, in bold italics, JEFUS.

i wish i was carrying cash today

an eastside sunday

in the rain, umbrella-less, i walked out of spring street. a bag of chanel dangling on my wrist. and when i passed those stupid fools, they smiled at me. what hypocrisy. this bloody world. and without the name, they'd shrug in shame. and in a grin of cold ignorance.

at saint patrick's today. i lit a flame. in your name, little judah. your mother is my life. sleep well, dear love. for when you went away, she bellowed in pain. in shame and a velvet melancholy. for the months you drank her milk, i hope you smiled. in this tortuous world. full of loops and turns.

and in the arch of thomas, i shed a tear. as the boys sang a hymn. praising god -what purity hemmed their tones. in belief and otherwise, i remembered you. once again, the love for granted. and once i leave, you'll knit your soul. i know it.

i like your flesh

saturday manhattan

and when i walked down fifth avenue today, i felt useless. a flurry of talent around me. and i was like some perfume whiff. drifting along. i felt crabby. crammy. whatever the word is. and crawled into my little niche.

and at the coffee shop i heard them speak. duplicitous revelation. of lookism in this state. and in this world. of beauty and lust. of strength and might. i whispered a prayer. because i'm none of those.

and then at the station. penn. i took a pause. as if time froze on my grip. and i looked around...like a trail of monumental circles swooshing past my grasp. and they ran and raced. to go home. or to a funeral. alexis in white. patty in gray. helena in brilliant turquoise. and in my pause, i found comfort. at passers-by in psychedelic waist coats and wheeling bags. may they find comfort too.

varsity monologues

i cried today. and i prayed today.

i hadn't in days. and i saw that heart. pulsate. pulsate. scramble it all up...and then it was gone. in my eyes. and i breathed. and i shed a drop.

thank you for your words last night. i miss you love.

in my little manhattan apartment, i'm hearing your song. love for granted. the city is beautiful. i saved a few lives. said a few lies -please forgive me.

and she blew me a kiss and wanted. to take me away. to her home back in north carolina. while i held her leg. my palms covered with blood. from her veins and soul. i miss you tracy. this is the first in fifty nine days

and to you M. you are the man. you baffle me, all the time. i've sheltered a comfort. and i pray you wash the liqueur out of your bruise. and grow up further to be a father. like you've wanted. i'll visit you when you're white

to A and R, thank you. i've learned a new purpose to my life. god bless you both. i'll be there

and to you my closest friend, keep my heart with you. in blue and in red. it is sealed with a dream

AKA

i don't know if i'm just being a moral freak. but i need to get this out.

when a patient undergoes bilateral above knee amputations, post-surgery it is NOT funny.

that's all. thanks JJ. i'll keep that in mind

another manhattan day

so i started off the day in a foul mood. well it's not the biggest deal in the world, but my phone acted up. i found a broken port -which means, i need to get a new phone.

so i did. i went to the retail store on fifth avenue (ha...good excuse to take a stroll down that street) and got a new one. nothing too fancy, but it's working. so good.

oh and i LOVED the public library on fifth avenue. it's awesome. if you, the reader, ever come to new york city, please check it out! that place is old, architecturally badass and the people are awesome. in the process i bumped into this lady. an elderly french lady, probably in her late 50s, wearing a pink hat, brown mittens and a brown furry coat. she had long white hair, with jagged ends. she had a tote bag on her right hand and a GAP bag on her left.

she was talking to the pigeons and doves at the intersection of fifth avenue and W 42nd Street (near Bryant Park). It took me a minute to figure out her words. Je veux que tu vives...

also strolled down United Nations place. It was interesting ... text books don't do much justice to the beauty and magnificence of the building. i sometimes wish people didn't come up to me for money or survival assistance. i'm a student without money. i cannot help. if i say it aloud they look at my coat and smile. the calvin klein tag is increasingly becoming a problem. i may pull it off someday

next drift times square. it was nice. possibly an ocean of people with different smells and wafts. why is that the first thing i notice? i don't know. random thought: i think i like third avenue or lexington avenue more than i like fifth avenue -just a personal preference i guess.

so this is the gameplan for tomorrow. go to CU Undergrad campus and then met art. i'm really excited. will keep you posted

this little presbyterian life

two people i admire at the moment

pat reavey and davey woodland.

pat reminds me how work and life can be balanced. enthusiasm and vivacity.

davey - the type of doc i want to be.

signing off at the moment. fifth avenue calls me

Peter (after stepping into the OR) : Oh my! Why is there a Victoria's Secret bag here?

Nurse (giggling coyly) : It's not mine.

P: Why do you want to show off the fact you bought your panties?

N: I'm telling you it's not mine.

P: Maybe I should go in there and buy something consumer-able. Maybe sweat pants that say "Pink" or "Juicy"?