countway excursion

not my best day today. i've just been a mess of emotions. went into the attendings office and bawled sporadically. it felt so good. but unreal. it was so raw. and coarse. i did not feel embarassed. at all. i knew this was coming. but i didn't realize that my attending will be the victim.

why this sudden reaction you ask. i think part of it is a feeling of personal failure. part of it is this unreal sheath beneath which I feel like i'm pushing every day. talking to B. i don't know. about the same thing over and over again. and while i sit in the countway library this evening, pondering over the occurrences of the past few weeks, it makes me shiver and cower in embarrassment and in pain. i felt negated and i felt pushed and plowed. oh goodness, over-ridden! and i couldn't take it any more this evening. so i let loose. completely. but he cheered me up. Dr B.

other than that. i love harvard. and the medical school is marvelous. i keep thinking about S all the time. i don't know why. i miss her a lot. and i wish she was here. so that i could tell her i loved her. once upon a time, when she would have never guessed. but this square of ashen stones is like a garland of budding blossoms. gerberas and orchids. so beautiful and pleasant. and amidst this garland is an established generation drenched in pain, brevity, angst and disdain. and how competitive they are. oh that look on their eyes!

today was mostly orientation. went to the abrams conference room at 10:00. we had 4 videos to watch and answer questions about them. funny part is no one really cared about watching the videos since the supervisor was calling out all the answers of the safety quiz anyway. after that, went up to meet Dr B. and i really like him. he asked me to go to conference tomorrow morning at 7. and then i'm on OR duty. am excited about meeting the chief resident!

that's all for today. more tomorrow!