she has 3 days to go, while i have 9 and now it's more about the last minute packing, scrolling down the details and ticking off checklists. this is the time when friends advance in priority -subconsciously or otherwise - and the family picture sidles away to a distant corner. but i guess that's how life moves on, shedding past the shadows of your parents' dreams and aspirations, realizing the value of independent decision-making.
from spices to emotions, items are pocketed and earmarked in the case. labels and tags screeched onto the semi-hard fabric. you wonder whether immigration officials will question you for your belongings. will harass you if you're in black. will root out a mock defence to every emotion you portray. they ask you to spare the rolling tears, and all the little hugs and embraces with which you grew up. and for once your heart skips a beat at your freedom. nostalgia and homesickness chirp into your throbbing veins. your eyes pounding with the pain of empty expectations. you want to lung out your crying voice. but you chose to depart. you look back and see your father faking a smile. your mother's hand frozen at the tilt in which she stroked your hair. you want to reach out to them and tell them you love them, but you don't. and then you stroll ahead into the row of endless counters. steamy sweat beading on your forehead. your eyes are dilated with confusion. and then you flip through those dreary images of departure curling up in your mind, and ask yourself -am i escaping?
11 comments:
TANMOY, the way u have potrayed ur thougts into words is simply amazing and wonderful. Watever u do in ur life but please dont give up writing.All the very best for ur future endeavours.
Escaping? Perhaps. But perhaps you are just going to where you were always meant to be.
Very moving. All the very best.
@ binit: *bows* thank you
@ basu: is it? well, i guess i'll feel it once i go
@ aruni rc: thanks a million. i'll talk to you soon.
Everybody has to leave his nest sometime or the other. Your time has come now. You will have to enact this goodbye scene over and over again all your life. Now your heart is skipping a beat, later it will be hardened. Such is life and such are the complexities of the adult world. Welcome the the club!
Well... i won't lie and say i absolutely loved every word, Tanmoy... but some emotions were portrayed impeccably... it was very heart-felt.. i loved that. and then again, Tanmoy.. i ALWAYS knew u were an awesome writer..:) .. very nice... :D... (post some of ur poems here, too... that'd be nice, i think...)
@ chandreyee: i've re-acted the goodbye scene too many times. maybe this time it's for a longer span.
@ i love fat guys: well thank you. i'll see if they're around.
Did you escape?
@shaapla: it didn't seem like an escape. just a casual cue to move on.
Yes, your poems. Do.
i guess i kinda felt a little like that when i left for college, but living alone definitely changes you... i don't feel homesick ever anymore. after all, my idea of home is fragmented. partly calcutta, partly granite bay, partly my old dorms in davis (and the old hangouts), partly the apartment i stay in now... i don't feel homesick.
But I do feel nostalgic: I think of calcutta when one of my workout buddies buys me Darjeeling Tea, or the occasional Johnny Black. Or when one of us is driving stick instead of automatic.
But the consolations exist: "the value of independent decision-making," the late-night runarounds, movies curled up on the sofa... there's always "two sides to a coin" as you said.
Still, I feel you expressed your feelings in a far better fashion than I would. Perhaps it is more fresh for you as a 1st year, while I've already had to deal with change and leaving. My advice to you would be to never forget, but also never regret. You are going out to do your own thing, and that is extremely important. Living out on my own changed me in many ways (most of which I like) and hopefully, you'll derive as much satisfaction from a new life as I did. I must say that your words made me nostalgic once again, and are much appreciated.
I suppose that for those of us living away from home, Nostalgia and pragmatism must co-exist - tipping the scales in favor of either is unsatisfying and unrewarding. And I know you possess (or will possess) enough of both. Good luck!
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