Wednesday, October 20, 2010

city lights

it has been an interesting past few days. with epiphanies. realizations. goals. excitement. i don't know. a blend of things i'd like to do; i'd hate. a feel that i have lost myself, somewhere in the middle of a vortex of cultures. and i fumble on syllables. and crafty phonetics of a simple language. of the national tongue. of the dainty punctuation of a billion smiles. 

i write not for what i have lost. but what i want to retain. of your intelligence Mr D. confounding, in a simplistic way. your wild enthusiasm of the world around. what a sight to watch. i sigh. to myself. in my over-lit manhattan apartment. 

while those passers-by scurry away. in a haste. as if their lives depend on their meager footsteps. and the quality of their arms. while i stood there last morning, not in my apartment. but in the middles of the square of times, i smiled at my soul. it felt like home. all over again. and i have missed it all these months. the hustle of rhyme. the buzz of visions. the image of the wall street man. his throbbing heart beat. his mental debauchery. his elegant suit, tailored to perfection. lighting a smile. faux and hazy. for in his mind, he fumbles with fright. at the value of today's might and paper. oh the green! his left arm swings, in a perpendicular swirl. he is gaping at the hands. and counting stars. when will it be five? so i may say. i made a lot of money today. the day was good. but sometimes. the day never came. it slipped away like a feather of silk through the miseries of the forceful clasp. we'll look forward to tomorrow.

and while in illi-noise, i heard those bells. them that i heard. two hundred years ago. in the womb of time. reminding me of a figurine. of slavish life. but i miss your face. and your tumored breasts. the crest and valley of your human wonder. to B and D, thank you for your time. 

sigh. 

Sunday, September 19, 2010

midnight forgery

for the forty-seventh time. i have failed. my patience. my reveries. ah.

and when i build up those little frustrations. it hurts my conscience. aches in tremor. and passages from a monotone. i used to read them. when i was ten. in a corner by the alleyway. crisp and clear. and yell at the costermongers. oh how dandy they were. and their ivory nails. painted with blood and margarine. beautiful gluttony.

i left you behind. and i do not regret it. at all. honestly. and the more i move away. i feel a warmth. it's right. and i take away what i told you. that tuesday evening by the lake. for you may go. walk out of my life. forever. please.

and remember when you murmured. they want you dead. i cringed in fright. oh what a world. i used to say. and the inflamed beauty.

god is dead. remember how you used to read me the words. from your little rhyme of nietzsche. those are gone. militated against.

twirl your skin and smile your print. i will go away.

Friday, September 3, 2010

friday the third

as you sigh, and wave at your future. wistfully yet excitedly. it reminds me of many years ago. when i was a little boy. in a sharp design. scratching nails against the marble. at the palace. and my wandered through every pocket of misery. ah. what a disaster unfolded in front of my eyes. but now i am here. across shores. tingling my fingers. in the motion of a beckoning.

and you should know who you are. to whom i speak. like a melancholic bludgeon split my soul in dainty smithereens. and i wait here. every day. across time and temperament.

and i dream of the martyrs. and brave souls. dead soles. scathing pain. and the fleur-de-lis.

i miss you. again. that is all.

Friday, August 27, 2010

midnight tales

i am writing this tonight because i miss you. like crazy. thinking and thinking about how to make this better. and i can't forget that evening. when i drew my life on the air. a-front your face. and you smiled and choked. and giggled and snarled. and patted my shoulders. with a deep sense of gravity and pride. it made me quiver in pride. in an undeserving armor i was given to wear. 

and i miss your heart. and your stoicism. and the pitch of your tongue. and the little scribbles you did on the white. i still have them pinned to my suitcase. 

i miss the laugh of passion. sliding beneath your teeth. your determination. and your courage. your bravery of might. your reels of sugary candor. i loved them all. and i miss it.

thank you for your time. 

Sunday, August 22, 2010

boston

back on the pebbles. and the dry fields of corn. as i wheel through the lanes, i remember those beauties. and pillars. and tear drops. and laughs. of not so long ago.

and while i sat by the wood. and a sheet of overpeering glass. i have learned from your science. that you are the man. Dr B. and your creativity. has amazed and baffled me. beyond a yardstick you can ever perceive. and as you twirl and twist, your bone of endless energy. i squirm in joy and happiness at your capabilities. and how you pen your thoughts. and gesticulate. your tolerances and bouts of imagination. and raging creativity. thank you for your time. and your syllables.

Dr S. thank you for your time. and your words of the land. i will keep you updated.

Dr D. i'm looking forward to that garland of words. and your strokes of glazy acrylic. thanks for all your help

Friday, August 13, 2010

brookline phobia

let's say it was around 9 36 this morning -the reason i do not remember the exact time is because i still do not wear a watch; a childhood peeve that i have not quite gotten over yet -and i was strolling down to work in a grey-white striped button-up shirt and tan pants. my dress shoes -i had bought them around seven months ago from a store in vernon hills, IL -I have to add, make a very characteristic shuffle when i walk. i'd like to think it's not my messed up gait that contributes largely to this annoying noise, but i choose to move forward anyway. hopeful, yes. that no one would notice or hear.

however, this morning was an extreme. i call it extreme because i am still baffled, slightly mortified and uncannily whimsical since the event this morning. it's been two hours, almost.

this is what happened. while i am mindlessly walking down brookline avenue, i am randomly stopped by a square african-american woman. i look at her closely; her lips are chattering. she is muttering something to herself in a language that is definitely not english. her fists are clenched tight enough to crush the head of a five-year old child. and she's awkwardly checking me out. i am slightly uncomfortable, so i return the (dis)favor. i will not go into details. but most noticeably she's got curly brown hair, dyed awkwardly in patches of blonde. she's wearing an orange-rimmed pair of spectacles. she has a bible in her purse -it is jutting out through the tip of the zipper. and she's overweight. after a minute of checking each other out -she spits at me and tells me. your walk reminds me of that ghost my husband had. i thought it was gone. but now you come.

walk away from me, she says. tell me you're sorry. i knew i would hear you someday.

i paused. said sorry. and left.

Monday, August 9, 2010

ramble

you make me think all the time. and sometimes when i look out of the window. i see your face. as you wed. and reel. and dream. and push. and gape. and trump those mocking birds. out of the tall turrets -brick-built and bent.

all i want to say today is thank you for all that you have said. expected and unexpected. i'm in a weird mood today. my acceptor died. and my eyes hurt. my lips tremble as i scribble this on my blog. my mind wanders. back and forth. through and through. it's an uncanny feeling.

and i'm hearing the canon. yet again. in this cold dampen room, illuminated by rain and tear. i hear a faint whistle in the background. i miss you.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

this lazy sunday afternoon

this is a conversation that took between a young girl, probably fourteen or fifteen years of age and her mother, a frail lady -probably in her mid or late-forties, with blonde-brown permed hair. the young girl, let's call her Ms L, is caked with make-up, on a sunday afternoon at 1:30 pm. in a food court. she is wearing thin heels, which elevates her height by atleast an inch or two. mother M, is in frayed sandals. she is wearing a ring on every finger of her left hand. and has a very eccentric smile. she breathes heavily, as she whispers some random syllables to her daughters ears. followed by a yawn, where she half-stuck out her tongue and made a click sound as she paused. she patted L's back for no obvious reason. and decided to have a serious conversation, i guess. in the Subway line, at the Galleria.

I am standing behind the two of them. waiting for my onion-flavored chicken teriyaki sandwich.

M: Hey sweetie, so I have been meaning to ask you for a while. But yea... what exactly is text messaging?

L (pretends to have not heard what was asked) : mamma, did you order your sandwich yet?

M (clearing her throat): yes dear. i did. i got a meatball footlong. how about you? oh yea, i was wondering, what exactly is text messaging, can you explain it to me a bit?

By this point, I could hear L release a mild grunt.

L: well instead of talking, people just message. What do you want me explain mom? stop embarassing me.

M (extremely nonchalant): oh but i'm sorry honey. do you mean, by this service, you can send me something i can read?

L: exactly, now let's go.

M: But honey, i'll miss your voice so much. i didn't know you could not hear the person's voice if you text messaged. oh my...what a pity...(fading) don't ever text me honey, i'll miss your voice, and.... ....

I was done by this point. L was dragging M outside the mall. that's as much as I can recall.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

a morning

as i write this, i continue to feel nauseous and loopy from the occurences of this morning. it was a spinal tap, formally known as lumbar puncture. and it definitely is one of the more painful things i have undergone thus far. i make it a point to say, one of the more physically painful. emotionally, well yes -pain just doesn't randomly evaporate into thin air. but i had a weird feeling of joy and pain. combined. it was strange, yet satisfying.

i heard that the girl, a cowering fourteen year old, had terrible metastasis. she has a 90% chance of mortality despite transplant. so i'm not sure, if i should go ahead at this point. may be i should wait and give it to omeone who has a higher survival rate. i'm confused. and sad. and despondent. i wanted the little girl to live. oh well.

lab has been going very well. lots of numbers to deal with. people. moods. sprigs. emotions. arguments. laughter. spices. eye balls. fingers. nails. and scents.

and a lot of science

Saturday, July 31, 2010

a melody of johann

and you got me thinking, sir. tapping away, and humming. to the tunes of a voluptuous roar of cello ensembles and quartets. i wanted to be a musician. once upon a time. a concert pianist. and i wanted to live a dream. through my melody. through the cadence and chords of all the crescendos i had once composed. walking into a hall. with a million eye balls. and fidgety heart beats. and i'd swing my head back. and strike the chord. as if my force wove a garland of rhyme. so beautiful and kind.

as a matter of fact, pachelbel's canon in d was one of the first baroque pieces i studied for my diploma in solo piano. when i used to be this little ragamuffin pricking around trinity college. in greenwich. and i remember, how i held the baton. ha, that at the age of thirteen. my naive finger joints trembling to an immature nervousness. and i heaved and sighed. for over twenty-seven seconds. until i raised the wood to the beauty of cellists and fiddlers. crying upon a melody so beautiful. so mellow. alternating between thunderous crescendos and coy diminuendos. the tremelos on the violin. like strumming on silk. and i wept for a while. taking it all in. thinking i was a musician. thinking i could, one twilit evening, conduct the philarmonic in royal albert.

well that never happened. and i didn't listen to the canon till you reminded me. the day before yesterday. and while i ploughed through the archives to listen to the tune. at three o clock this morning. i felt the same. the lingering beauty of d major and semi-tones. the sanctity of matrimony. in the dainty yawns of the columns down at the palazzo. thank you for reminding me B. the music flutters in my soul. and it will, for the next few weeks.

i miss you love. and your dainty lips. and your gentle bosom. and the texture of your smile. i hope you are doing well.

Friday, July 30, 2010

mariage et eccentricists!

i loved talking to you today. after so many years. since we had spoken. and i don't remember why we turned our backs. awkward, at start. reluctance and a very bitter angst that formed this bridge. you told me not to save lives, one sunny morning up in nottingham. and i remember. my unbelievable rage. because you broke a piece of my flesh.

but thank you for talking today.

it's been a fast few days. i feel like i've been skipping steps. yet trundling. a weird concoction of feelings. i know. and i also heard the tinkerbells today. and oh what a beautiful sight of the palazzo ballroom. elle est belle! and it's funny. because my little great grand mother, got married in a quaint old church in cinnaminson. many years ago. and those stories that i hear make me chuckle and smile. at the same time. and maybe, with this pre-formed association with cinnaminson, i perceive this "palais" as a craft of beauty and genius. under the crease of shy tapestry. a moody whim of dangling chandeliers. an aroma of wine and joy. carven marble and glazy granite. like a chiaroscuro of beauty and hazel elegance. and shimmering goblets. and a chime of melody. laced with drips of molten silk. i'm smiling. all the best to B and L. tous mes meilleurs voeux pour votre mariage.

they used to say, at brick lane, around seventy seven years ago, there used to be a hall of fame. for the eccentricists and dictated narcissists and grouchy old philatelists. and i believe, they used to have some street performers. who earned a name for combing silk. i remembered that today. we used to go there remember? across the river? on the east side of the Thames?

Monday, July 19, 2010

a boston afternoon

i have never walked so much in my life. in that heat. talking about bikes. in the rain. where i didn't care for the mugginess. and the tiny toads leaping around. on the dry barren straw.

and by the river, when it was dark, we spoke so much about life. scrolling down pages and pages, and scribbles of endless philosophy. oh how i loved the days. this weekend.

thank you. AL.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

gordon and the basic sciences

i have a very strange feeling of liberation poking inside me for the past few days. and it feels great. as if exempt from a constant time trial. i feel brilliant. and peaceful. and at complete ease.

also, i'm loving them all. the work, the people, the food, auntyji... they're wonderful. i still think B. is my favorite person. he's an eclectic mix of anticipation, suspense, crudeness, and confidence. that's the word i was looking for -confidence. i hate people who stutter and fumble at every decision. people who screen across walls and lamp posts when asked a question. it just bugs me to no end. anyway, to get back to the point, i simply admire some of his virtues.

i also had a solid fist-pump moment today, when i went into the BRI. i've been wanting to go inside the building ever since i got here, but these silly security personnel just never would. so i had the perfect opportunity to go inside today. scrounge, you may say. but i don't think that way. anywho, i got to see gordon hall, and it was fucking fantastic. the marble glittering on the stairwell, with portraits of some of the wonders of medical science. my oh my, i loved it.

surgery tomorrow. by the way, the session on transapical catheter-assisted aortic valve session was awesome this morning.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

an evening to remember

i walked down those corridors. earlier this evening. when the sun was almost setting, and the sky looked ablaze. with melodies of the greatest. with names and wonderments. and i was baffled. oh dear god. at the might and power and glory of an institution. of the intelligence that floats amass. in the little quadrangle. where those midgets spoke of the iraqi war and mechanics. 

and two passers-by gaped at me in the most unusual of ways. i peeked at their partially-open lips through the corner of my left eye. my other self was too focused. on the walls and shelves. of the mighty revolutionaries who once rose in the name of scientific innovations.

i had a beautiful evening. an evening i have waited for in months and months. an evening which made me cry in the middle of the stony quadrangle, decorated with stars. and bright cherry blossoms. 

i felt the breeze. by the river charles, where millions of hands have washed their bloods. and sailed across shores in the search of knowledge and truth. honestly, one of the best evenings of my life. 

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

deerfield

it's funny. i met this guy in the hospital. a charming young man with very a fine taste, you can tell by the choice of his clothing. introduces himself. very coyly. from deerfield, il.

goes here now. some of his tales brought back a lot of memories of a single winter evening. aah...i loved it that night. on the grass. when the ice and snow, a paltry mix of checkers and rye. on my face. my fingers, numb and painless.

it's been good here so far. heard some bad news today about KD. i'm kinda not happy about the decision...but oh well. things happen for a reason i guess.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

note

it's been a wonderful past few days. i can't even explain in words. i've had some quiet moments. some realizations. some really depressing moments. but some really good ones too.

i'm really liking this lab i joined. the people are challenging and i'm still trying to get into the loop. have to admit, the PI has been very generous with letting me do things.

and amidst all this science, i've had time to think. to think about what it means to be where i am. how life is different from how it used to be. and i take it all with a silent gulp. because i'm more concerned about this future of mine. about this future of ours.

Monday, July 5, 2010

quaint and eccentric






quincy market and boston common

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

pixie-land and smartpeopleville

i don't know why TKR reminds me of a little pixie. by no means is he, however, little. it's just the way he stares. and smiles. and speaks. and gasps. like a perfect country gentleman from somewhere in hampshire. and it amuses me how he speaks in bouts of german. fascinating, to say the least. he encourages me. daily. and i love it.

so far cardiac's going great. mostly in the ICU, rounding. a patient passed away last night. he was post-op for around 40 days. admitted patients are just interesting. delirium is very common in this unit. and i didn't miss an opportunity to meet this 50-something year old female weighing well over 120 kilos (who TKR politely describes as having a slightly high BMI) and thinking her bed is made of ice. another dude next to her bed is a funeral director.

so far things have been interesting. will keep you posted

PS. in conversation with AI this morning, i love how she said, and i quote, yea yea. i know it's time for you to go back to smartpeopleville (re: H ).

Monday, June 21, 2010

when i went to the surgical oncology ward today, i completely lost it. i was wailing on the floor. i needed a nurse to assist me back to cardiac icu

later in the morning, when i was sitting in the cafeteria. a middle-aged woman appeared to stop. beside me. her husband was pushing her wheel chair around. she was stage iv myeloma. had lost all her hair. her bones terribly brittle. intimidated eyes. a dry foaming mouth.

yet, she forgot to sell her smile.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Glee and other tales

the past few days have been a little slow, but fairly productive and very interesting, to say the least. i managed to watch an episode of Glee -now this was not out of an uncanny personal desire to see yet another sassy high-school-musical-genre show, but i read in the Times something about the social implications portrayed in the show; so i thought i'd check it out. maybe one episode doesn't do justice, but the singing was fairly good. i didn't really see any social implications apart from this haggard mother divorcing an abusive husband who is apparently having an extra-marital affair with a "tattooed monster", and of course you never miss a flick of this sort without teenage pregnancy and baby-adoption drama. anyway, Times probably has a point and maybe i didn't quite see it from just one episode.

boston so far has been going well. managed to go to chinatown yesterday. it was a really colorful and exotic part of the city. B and i ate at a local gourmet dumpling house which served roasted pig heart as its delicacy. i wanted to try it out really badly, but controlled my desire in eccentricities for fear of falling ill and not being able to go to work. random observation: there are a lot of asians in boston. it's pretty cool. an interesting mix.

i've also been traipsing around the campus a lot. and i love it. every time i look at those pillars, it just really makes me want to just burst inside and see what it's like. but i'll wait till i get the official tour. i have a few appointments lined up to meet a few people there, so we'll see how that goes. i use the library a lot, and it's a cool spot to just relax and read up a few articles after standing in the OR. sometimes, i managed to catch a quick nap and get back to work.

cardio wise it's going great. ICU rounds are awesome and hilarious. these attendings have a great sense of humor! Dr EK randomly asked me a series of three questions the other day about the exact location of the diverticula and i had no friggin' idea. and then VT stepped in and says he's not a medical student Dr K. he paused for about a micro-second. so wait you're not a medical student? that means you're like a student student? like those that go to college? oh like a college student? i aptly made the clarification that i indeed am an undergrad in a college in Indiana and not at H (since every mortal and microbe in the hospital conveniently assumes so) and moved on from there. ever since that colorful encounter we have discussed what is the meaning of ghee, who invented peanut butter and why i was interested in medicine.

i took some time out to read Cohn's surgery book. and it's awesome. read up two chapters on aortic aneurysms and stem-cell induced myocardial regeneration. the latter chapter was pretty old, since i know a not of new therapies have come out since the article was written, but it was still a good info-read. i've also been working on sutures a little bit, and trying to do things. oh and i forgot to mention, saturday morning was interesting. one of the resident interns, XS (calls himself X-man) didn't show up to work. we tried contacting his beeper only to be answered by some rogue who found it on the street and christened herself Roy Roberts! that's a very cheesy name. and then one of the RNs assumed that he was dead or possibly kidnapped and packaged off to the far east. also SM (who is by the way, a very attractive woman -more so because she is a surgeon) got a little worked up. i kinda giggled because i knew it was probably going to turn out to be yet another hangover story (which i later found out it was), but i didn't say much at the time.

that's pretty much how it has been. will update soon!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

lost in charles

i've been constantly thinking about the little boy i saw at the train station yesterday. he was probably fourteen or fifteen years of age. smooth auburn hair brushed neatly back. uncanny palor on his face. wheeling his father around on the wheelchair. and midst of the confusion of the train station he looked so lost. i could tell a bare frustration on his face. his father was trying to keep the pace and distract. but he smiled when i looked at him. i smiled back. calmly yet awkwardly. i wanted to say. is there anything i can do? but i didn't. i just smiled. and waved a cheerful goodbye/hello: i'm not sure which one it was supposed to mean.

but since then, i have a strange tingling sensation in my brain. i hope it goes away soon. i know it's not a feeling of guilt. it's a little discomforting.

hospital's going well. i'm learning each day. little by little. slowly yet surely.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

even thought saturday mornings can be very lazy and lousy. sometimes. i try and make full use of it. which comes to my point: i went to the hospital today.

stuff i learned/did:

learned the technique of bronchoscopy/ what it looks like through the scope.

pulled out chest tubes. chest tubes are placed perioperatively to drain fluids from the chest. that was interesting. Dr V mentioned that you've got to hum a long hum while pulling out the tubes because you need to create the negative pressure inside so as to prevent bubbles, etc. but Dr V let me do the stuff. it was really cool.

talked about the plus and minuses of private practice vs hospital employment. Dr Cohen had very interesting points. i guess you need to make a choice at some point. Dr V made an intelligent point. he goes. so if i'm a plastic surgeon and want to do private practice i really need to work on people like michael jackson and the rest will follow. and then he goes, god forbid i ever have to do cardiology work on him.

figured out a gameplan for tomorrow. Dr V wants me to present a patient. i'm a little nervous but hey, this is how we learn right? so i'm probably going to present a patient who was operated for mitral valve repair. we'll see how it goes. i've been asked to go there tomorrow morning at 6:30

dr S was fun today too. saw a few chest x-rays. learned what it looks like if the central line snaps. but thank god, in that patient, it didn't. she has 7 other lines going anyway!

more tomorrow. yes i work 7 days a week. and i love it

Friday, June 4, 2010

shapiro 6w

friday morning. started work around 7 this morning. i was initially confused what i was supposed to do today or where to go. but then JW messaged me last night to work with him. he's a nice guy. very down to earth. doesn't show off his knowledge!

anyway, so we started rounds on 6 West in Shapiro where the intensive care unit is. JW and I weren't sure exactly which team we should join. but it turned out just fine. we tagged along with dr david silver. an anesthesiology attending, who specializes in cardiac anesthesia. we both thought he was a great teacher. couple of things we learned (and i will discuss in more details later):

1) patients on ventilators who need sedation need to occasionally be on sedation holiday so that over-dose of sedatives does not cause delirium.
2) there is the RAS scale for sedation, which should be matched against when diagnosing a patient
3) the CAM scale is for delirium
4) we learned about acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) and the need for peep-ing so as to prevent total lung failure
5) learned the clincal symptoms of leukocytosis
6) Need for esophageal balloon to actually measure internal pressure. important to note that big breasts and other anterior weights (like obesity affecting abdomen) can actually affect internal pressure sig.
7) also post-oped a pt who was diagnosed with a heart tumor! had never heard/seen that before!

I'll talk in more details about these jargons in an upcoming post! till then, thanks for stopping by!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

clinical expedition day 1

7:00 am: conference in the morning. they had m&m which is the short form for morbidity and mortality. 8 complications with 6 deaths. one of the biggest discussions yesterday was on HIT. HIT stands for heparin-induced thrombocytopenia. what that basically means is the heparin, an anti-coagulant can actually go and reduce platelet count in the human body leading to complications. so the question arose should we test for HIT in a patient pre-operative procedure or what should be the best way to administer this. i don't exactly remember where the debate ended up, but in short it was undecided.

after that, Dr R. showed me around Shapiro. it's a really nice building. very glassy and flashy. had gone to the ICU for a catch-up round! met the fellows. pretty interesting stuff.

afternoon, basically had clinics with Dr B. most diagnoses involved mitral valve stenoses. so we had to weigh out, along with the patient's family, whether we wanted valve replacement or repair! need to choose between mechanical valve and pig/cow valve. some patients have really interesting social history. remember one lady, probably Portuguese, with large hazel eyes, reddish-brown hair, artificial curls, and heavy eye-make up. came with a complaint of severe shortness of breath. she admits to snorting cocaine everyday, marijuana 3 times a week and heavy smoking and daily consumption of alcohol. she smiles for twenty seconds and adds that she never forgets her calcium pills. paradox after paradox you encounter in this professions. no excuses, no judgments allowed! do your work and get outta here!

other than that, i read up on aortic dissection. cases tomorrow are mitral valve replacement and coronary artery bypass graft. so i'm reading up on them.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

countway excursion

not my best day today. i've just been a mess of emotions. went into the attendings office and bawled sporadically. it felt so good. but unreal. it was so raw. and coarse. i did not feel embarassed. at all. i knew this was coming. but i didn't realize that my attending will be the victim.

why this sudden reaction you ask. i think part of it is a feeling of personal failure. part of it is this unreal sheath beneath which I feel like i'm pushing every day. talking to B. i don't know. about the same thing over and over again. and while i sit in the countway library this evening, pondering over the occurrences of the past few weeks, it makes me shiver and cower in embarrassment and in pain. i felt negated and i felt pushed and plowed. oh goodness, over-ridden! and i couldn't take it any more this evening. so i let loose. completely. but he cheered me up. Dr B.

other than that. i love harvard. and the medical school is marvelous. i keep thinking about S all the time. i don't know why. i miss her a lot. and i wish she was here. so that i could tell her i loved her. once upon a time, when she would have never guessed. but this square of ashen stones is like a garland of budding blossoms. gerberas and orchids. so beautiful and pleasant. and amidst this garland is an established generation drenched in pain, brevity, angst and disdain. and how competitive they are. oh that look on their eyes!

today was mostly orientation. went to the abrams conference room at 10:00. we had 4 videos to watch and answer questions about them. funny part is no one really cared about watching the videos since the supervisor was calling out all the answers of the safety quiz anyway. after that, went up to meet Dr B. and i really like him. he asked me to go to conference tomorrow morning at 7. and then i'm on OR duty. am excited about meeting the chief resident!

that's all for today. more tomorrow!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

cambridge, ma

i kinda felt home-sick last night. and so i left the room early last night. and called up A. and spoke to him for a very very long time. and it felt so good. we laughed at many of our old jokes; ones that used to desperately crack me up in school. Especially, the crusade against It's and M. you know what i'm talking about right, A? ; )

managed to go to Harvard's campus today with B. it was simply great. i was looking at their commencement pictures last night and it made me cry so bad. i don't even know why. yes, i'm probably a wuss. but i think every time i think about the school, it makes me want to go there. more and more, everyday. anyway, it was a great trip. we saw john harvard's statue; the divinity school, some of the libraries, the peabody museum and some other stuff. the churches are awesome. old, really old.

other than that today, watched letters to juliet. it was kinda lame. also the chicago uno herbed chicken was disgusting.
oh i also realized that i am drinking too much coffee lately. time for some caffeine control. and yes, i strongly believe that decaf coffee is NOT legit! and no arguments there!



Thursday, May 20, 2010

day 1

may 20th.

done with finals. yet it doesn't feel like school's over. it's weird, i know.
i'm looking forward to this summer a lot. all the surgery and all the other professional work i'm supposed to be doing. seems kinda professional - well i know it's professional. but it's still interesting. and exciting. and a little nerve-wracking.

this is something i decided recently. i want to work with depauw's dining services and make sure people eat healthier food. my goal is not to urge the ban of any food items or dishes per se, but we're going to try and get healthier ingredients! because all that asian delicacy of chow mein and golden chicken has waaay too much sodium per serving than is necessary for a day. also, we're going to try and cut down on things that have trans fats. that's definitely not something you'd want to have on a regular basis if you want to save your heart even five years down the line.
spoke to steve about all this. i'm going to try and work with the harvard sustainability this summer and adopt some of their initiatives. some of their policies are already being implemented on campus. like we do have cage-free eggs and 95% of our coffee is free trade.
this goes to say that my point is not to re-model our dining services "according" to harvard's. i looked at their sustainability initiative and it just looks very feasible and doable. so it's not trying to be like them, but just implementing a model that looks healthy and will benefit campus!

plans for today: probably watch a movie with B, and lounge around. spoke to P yesterday regarding writing a review paper for research. plan is to get it done and sent for review by the end of the summer. but as for today, it's going to be lazy. and i, for one, am thoroughly excited!

Monday, April 12, 2010

a note

and as you glittered in the sunshine. i swept my sweat. panting and heaving. as i carved the curves of your delicate lips. pulsatile wrists. and cold bosom.

but when i walked down through the bushes. i thought of you. and that wintry december evening. the forgiveness. fake. and treachery. dry.

i will await this thanksgiving.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

elevator

he told me today. in the elevator. when it was just him and i. this is what he said.

when they told me graduation was a burden. i locked my door. and studied. for hours and hours and hours. and while they drank. i would sleep. dreaming about my future. intelligence is not my gift. determination is.

To NJM. thank you

Sunday, January 24, 2010

financial district

so i walked down the street. up. down. up. down. several times. wall street. and not a single building was without the name. in golden paint. and that door to tiffany. full of smell and desire. and fifty seven strangers posing in front of washington. george, they called him. clever man, i say. and if you saw the statue. the girth of pomposity.

and then down the bifurcation. to the monument. where they say liberty resides. in green. i find that the paradox. for if this district of finance ever complained of raging ego. and aggression. point your fingers to that statuette in green. quite lovely with the flame. even greener.

and then back to fifth. at my little table at barnes and noble. two books on the wood. the harvard psychedelic club. i don't remember the other. people came and went. for six hours i sat. sipped on steaming tea. while water drizzled today in new york city. and the sun never shone. and the street of wall. cluttered with price-tagged tourists. with insufficient jingles. whatever happened to the empire?

and then came clarence. and drexel. and isabella. in a violent circuit. and they spoke of stocks. and trump. real estate. and i think, leather. this young man -clumsy to the skin -dropped two cups of espresso. on another woman by his side. sorry is not the solution.

M's birthday. i'm not there. things happen. happy day to her.

i've been looking for salons. the jets are playing. the colts. new york and indiana. i think i'm still a little undecided. came back. time for turkey sandwich.

the lake looks grumpy tonight

Saturday, January 23, 2010

to pam

at the hospital. she greeted me. hey tom, you work hard dont you. not really. i say. i do my job. and i love it. she murmurs gently as she inhales. through this narrow pipe stuck to her nose. i love her cheeks. bright and rosy. she's almost fifty.

and i love her strength. next week. she gets her third lung transplant. after chronic rejection. and now kidneys. they apparently stopped working. i love her. and i wish i could do something. pam. i found tears on my eyes. after you wheeled into the elevator. with ben by your side.

i want to meet you before you leave. i want you to rub your smile. on me

Monday, January 18, 2010

king's monday

it was unusual today. martin luther king to the rescue. an empty corridor in seven hudson north. steve wasn't there either. i traipsed around a little bit. decided, library was a good option. read a few case studies. took the train down. right till juiliard.

and that spectacle is beautiful. the alabaster. the quartz. sparkling in the white of a crisp monday morning. in new york city. while the brokers fled in pursuit. the ends of their expensive coats knotting with the wind. scanned the breadth of the wide arches, and smiled. more of a grin. i cannot distinguish. but i kept walking. knowing many a genius was made.

and then my usual spot. fifth avenue. however, today was a detour through bryant park. sat on one of those moss green, deformed chairs across the colonnade of dead, heaving trees. at least a hundred noticeable strangers skated in the pond. good business, i say. in sweat. and ecstasy. and some frustration beneath the breaths. i love when people laugh. have you ever heard the different tones? pitches? plentiful.

afternoon at barnes and noble. three books at my table. the appointment, vascular surgery, men i might have known. three extreme genres. and by me, today, sat an interesting pair of marketeers. possibly one at readers digest. the other, morgan stanley folks. reading the same book. monkey business.

on the way back. this little street urchin. sitting at the corner of seventh avenue and w 34th. face hidden by a sweatshirt. screaming jesus. and the little plaque by his bowl. it said, everyone needs a shelter -you and i. and on the wall near city college -someone sprayed, in bold italics, JEFUS.

i wish i was carrying cash today

Sunday, January 17, 2010

an eastside sunday

in the rain, umbrella-less, i walked out of spring street. a bag of chanel dangling on my wrist. and when i passed those stupid fools, they smiled at me. what hypocrisy. this bloody world. and without the name, they'd shrug in shame. and in a grin of cold ignorance.

at saint patrick's today. i lit a flame. in your name, little judah. your mother is my life. sleep well, dear love. for when you went away, she bellowed in pain. in shame and a velvet melancholy. for the months you drank her milk, i hope you smiled. in this tortuous world. full of loops and turns.

and in the arch of thomas, i shed a tear. as the boys sang a hymn. praising god -what purity hemmed their tones. in belief and otherwise, i remembered you. once again, the love for granted. and once i leave, you'll knit your soul. i know it.

i like your flesh

Saturday, January 16, 2010

saturday manhattan

and when i walked down fifth avenue today, i felt useless. a flurry of talent around me. and i was like some perfume whiff. drifting along. i felt crabby. crammy. whatever the word is. and crawled into my little niche.

and at the coffee shop i heard them speak. duplicitous revelation. of lookism in this state. and in this world. of beauty and lust. of strength and might. i whispered a prayer. because i'm none of those.

and then at the station. penn. i took a pause. as if time froze on my grip. and i looked around...like a trail of monumental circles swooshing past my grasp. and they ran and raced. to go home. or to a funeral. alexis in white. patty in gray. helena in brilliant turquoise. and in my pause, i found comfort. at passers-by in psychedelic waist coats and wheeling bags. may they find comfort too.

Friday, January 15, 2010

varsity monologues

i cried today. and i prayed today.

i hadn't in days. and i saw that heart. pulsate. pulsate. scramble it all up...and then it was gone. in my eyes. and i breathed. and i shed a drop.

thank you for your words last night. i miss you love.

in my little manhattan apartment, i'm hearing your song. love for granted. the city is beautiful. i saved a few lives. said a few lies -please forgive me.

and she blew me a kiss and wanted. to take me away. to her home back in north carolina. while i held her leg. my palms covered with blood. from her veins and soul. i miss you tracy. this is the first in fifty nine days

and to you M. you are the man. you baffle me, all the time. i've sheltered a comfort. and i pray you wash the liqueur out of your bruise. and grow up further to be a father. like you've wanted. i'll visit you when you're white

to A and R, thank you. i've learned a new purpose to my life. god bless you both. i'll be there

and to you my closest friend, keep my heart with you. in blue and in red. it is sealed with a dream

Monday, January 11, 2010

AKA

i don't know if i'm just being a moral freak. but i need to get this out.

when a patient undergoes bilateral above knee amputations, post-surgery it is NOT funny.

that's all. thanks JJ. i'll keep that in mind

Saturday, January 9, 2010

another manhattan day

so i started off the day in a foul mood. well it's not the biggest deal in the world, but my phone acted up. i found a broken port -which means, i need to get a new phone.

so i did. i went to the retail store on fifth avenue (ha...good excuse to take a stroll down that street) and got a new one. nothing too fancy, but it's working. so good.

oh and i LOVED the public library on fifth avenue. it's awesome. if you, the reader, ever come to new york city, please check it out! that place is old, architecturally badass and the people are awesome. in the process i bumped into this lady. an elderly french lady, probably in her late 50s, wearing a pink hat, brown mittens and a brown furry coat. she had long white hair, with jagged ends. she had a tote bag on her right hand and a GAP bag on her left.

she was talking to the pigeons and doves at the intersection of fifth avenue and W 42nd Street (near Bryant Park). It took me a minute to figure out her words. Je veux que tu vives...

also strolled down United Nations place. It was interesting ... text books don't do much justice to the beauty and magnificence of the building. i sometimes wish people didn't come up to me for money or survival assistance. i'm a student without money. i cannot help. if i say it aloud they look at my coat and smile. the calvin klein tag is increasingly becoming a problem. i may pull it off someday

next drift times square. it was nice. possibly an ocean of people with different smells and wafts. why is that the first thing i notice? i don't know. random thought: i think i like third avenue or lexington avenue more than i like fifth avenue -just a personal preference i guess.

so this is the gameplan for tomorrow. go to CU Undergrad campus and then met art. i'm really excited. will keep you posted

Friday, January 8, 2010

this little presbyterian life

two people i admire at the moment

pat reavey and davey woodland.

pat reminds me how work and life can be balanced. enthusiasm and vivacity.

davey - the type of doc i want to be.

signing off at the moment. fifth avenue calls me

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Peter (after stepping into the OR) : Oh my! Why is there a Victoria's Secret bag here?

Nurse (giggling coyly) : It's not mine.

P: Why do you want to show off the fact you bought your panties?

N: I'm telling you it's not mine.

P: Maybe I should go in there and buy something consumer-able. Maybe sweat pants that say "Pink" or "Juicy"?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

january two

i made it to new york today. months and months of emailing back and forth, comes alive. it feels good. although i will admit, i'm nervous. really nervous.

my flight from chicago was a little strange. this man, sitting by me, stroked his beard throughout the flight. i got lectured on why i should convert to judaism. apparently the power of prayer will make me successful. i never disbelieved in prayers.

in the air, i felt a little uncomfortable. i have never felt that way before. i don't know what it was. nervousness? fright?

i land sometime mid-afternoon. my arms are a little sore -this system of valet baggage is quite a bummer. i drag myself forward. almost half a mile. welcome to new york. there was this girl on flight i thought was very attractive. i had a feeling she wanted to talk to me. she just wouldn't stop looking. for a second i thought i'd walk up to her and say hello. but i didn't. i'll blame it on my anti-socialness.

it's been a while since i've been on the subway. and when i was on it today, i swear i stared at people so awkwardly. i love reading expressions. to my right, was a mexican guy. fairly inebriated with orange dreads. his hair hit my cheeks several times while he was head banging. to my left was an army guy. probably in his early twenties. he looked so pre-occupied. i loved it.

i'm in the apartment right now. my hostess S is an MIT undergrad. living on the 29th floor is wonderful. i see times square and empire state from my window.

central park tomorrow.

january one

and when i saw you today, i skipped a beat. not in a good way.

you looked wet. and your half-smile reminded me of that timid august evening. when you were all colorful and bright. and a little shy to lend me your hand. and i remember your little grin. like a moon-slit. and your occasional giggles.

and when you sat there, by the perfusing halogen shade, i traced your eye brows. in the corner by the dresser. so that you would not see. i feel ashamed now.

i don't know why but i squirmed at your voice. i felt deluded. a little cheated, but i can let that pass. not because i fell in love with you, but because there was this mesh of trust that you wove out of a timeless misery. i'll let it slide.

if i could wish upon a star. this day. i'd say go where the dream catchers fly their kites. you will see blood on your eyelashes tomorrow.