a morning tale

i promised myself that this won't be too elaborate, and i'll stick to my promise.

i've been listening to those lyrics again. and you know what's amusing? somehow they don't make me pensive any more. i don't know what to call this. it's an awkward situation to nuzzle in. unprecedented and unexpected. i know i am right in this regard.

you will see it soon. you wonder what?

destruction always has a reconstruction. not necessarily following the same blueprint, but a reprisal.

a note

i knew you were not as subtle and simple as i carved you out to be: it all came out today. the least i can say is that i am glad i saw your relatively more-realistic self than what i got accustomed to seeing. this is not my time of regretting or fanning away offenses that have circled around in volatile rings. nothing of this really matters to me, because i feel i can now rationalize my living with your imagination. i can be a mute spectator only till a certain limit. but no. not anymore. i am scared to open my mouth and curse you. i have my own reasons that i will not share. you have your own conflicts. i have my own interferences. you have your own priorities. i have mine. i have my own gullibility, which i think you might have seen through. but it was my fault really to have wrapped around in such liquid transparency.

it just makes me laugh how i knew this was coming. i knew it. my forebodings are usually not incorrect. but it is alright, change is a necessity; for both you and i and the rest of our surroundings with one pointed directive. you wait and watch, things will change further. and the castle will break till those tingly grains of sand melt away. just wait a little longer. you will see how you and i become radical strangers in this whole quasi-real illusory relationship. you will see how truths will weave with lies and reservations. you will see how those emotions slide away into a pocket book of lies.

you will see it soon.

don't worry.

a tuesday in january

so you finally curled up to me today. i don't know if this is deservance, or something that you will call a product of spontaneity -but it took me off by surprise. you smiled at me a number of times -the first drift from all the toothy grins that you've given me in the past couple of months. and you whispered occasionally. i didn't realize the reason or the purpose then. i'm afraid, i still haven't. then you touched my skin sporadically. i observed your long silken hair strands trembling along your shoulders, like a coward wave. rippling in delusion across a web of imaginations that i had learned to escape. you remind me of home, in your own little way. i don't know why your tenderness fascinates me, or your caustic humor. i don't know why i've secretly looked at your nail art and scribbled ridiculous poems on paper bags. or smelled your hair, like a deranged maniac. or sprinkled pepper on milk.

setting that aside, for the first time have i earned your honesty. weighing on cynicism and friendship, it was a question of deservance. i won't be a doll for your advantage. no. not even a paraplegic with cosmetic limbs.

never.

inkdrop

i think i have had a latent preoccupation with molding the future. yes, you and i have had nights after nights of conversation, in that little television room by the piano. and you've pointed out bricks at me: the careless pattern on the wall with perforated cement slabs. and you've couched up on your life, your devastations and expectations of the trail of emerging thoughts. moseying around through your personal history, your losses and gains, your vigorous contentions of religion and abortion. i have valued all your thoughts -they've made sense to me. a lot more than i had ever imagined.

i have been up all night listening to that song. the song, that you told me yesterday reminded you of all the times you've given way to your suppressed emotionality. and you've shed pearls of sentiment through the slits of your eyes, heavy with thought and disbelief. but i have loved the way you've brushed aside those moments and moved on. the untiring simplicity with which you've smiled at people, embraced them like you've known them for years. have you ever realized your infectious sense of optimism? i have valued it a lot. and so have a lot of your people, and the womb in which you have twiddled with destiny. single handedly.

you know who you are. don't you?