a tuesday in january

so you finally curled up to me today. i don't know if this is deservance, or something that you will call a product of spontaneity -but it took me off by surprise. you smiled at me a number of times -the first drift from all the toothy grins that you've given me in the past couple of months. and you whispered occasionally. i didn't realize the reason or the purpose then. i'm afraid, i still haven't. then you touched my skin sporadically. i observed your long silken hair strands trembling along your shoulders, like a coward wave. rippling in delusion across a web of imaginations that i had learned to escape. you remind me of home, in your own little way. i don't know why your tenderness fascinates me, or your caustic humor. i don't know why i've secretly looked at your nail art and scribbled ridiculous poems on paper bags. or smelled your hair, like a deranged maniac. or sprinkled pepper on milk.

setting that aside, for the first time have i earned your honesty. weighing on cynicism and friendship, it was a question of deservance. i won't be a doll for your advantage. no. not even a paraplegic with cosmetic limbs.

never.